Delicious Delusions

OK, here we go, back in the groove of things. I've been busy lately/too tired/out of creative flow/who really cares? Regardless, you're not here to listen to my excuses, you're here because I entertain you. With my rambling mind, my sharp tongue, my complete lack of regard for your feelings. See that profile summary right there on the side of this post? Every blog I make, I feel like that is becoming more of a lie. I am not your best friend. I am the words that you're afraid to say. I am the truth you refuse to hear. I am that guy who you tell everyone you know that you want to punch me in the face, but deep down, you know that everything I say is right. Because I am right. Because I am awesome. And because I am extremely cocky. I've done enough in my life to deserve some praise. And since no one else seems to want to give it to me, I'll give it to myself.

That being said, here's a quick summary of what's been going on, before we get into the meat and potatoes of tonight's post.
I got accepted into my first college. It's a little community college that accepts everyone, so it's not really a big deal, but it definitely feels nice to know I have my back up plan if I need it.
I got rid of my robo-boot. Turns out, to my complete and utter lack of surprise, I am now out of shape. That's what I get for the Domino's overload (which, by the way, their chocolate lava crunch cakes? F***ing delicious. Get one).
I got bro married. It's a lovely relationship that I share with Jeff Rodgers, my official hetero lifemate. We troll Facebook all day, and sing together to the Lonely Island. I'm Andy Samberg. Be jealous of what we have.
My drumming skills are increasing exponentially. Go figures. I'm just that good at learning.

And that's about it. The rest of my life has been comprised of work, paperwork, handiwork, and so on and so forth. Real entertaining stuff.
So, now that the niceties are out of the way, what's the next bit? Well, I'll tell you, keep your pants on there Turbo. Tonight, we're going to talk about something very near and dear to me. One of the few things in this life that I actually attach any emotion into. Writer's block. I hate it. I hate it so much. And I have it right now. Obviously, other wise I wouldn't be writing about the damnable subject.

I keep getting glimpses of ideas in my head. New poems, new rants, short stories, old memories, funny daily moments, everything. As soon as I try to scribe it down? Gone like a fart in the wind. Brain scribbles aren't working either. Maybe it's the lack of sleep, free time, whatever. I need to get out of this funk though, and fast. Certain people are clamoring for more of amy creative literature, and I try to please the audiences when I can.

So, to each and every one of my readers out there, I offer you a challenge. The gauntlet has been thrown down. I want you to send me an idea of something you want me to write about. Anything. Doesn't matter at this point. I'll pick the one I like the most and use it in my next blog. You'll get your name in here too, whoop-de-freaking-doo. You can send it to me via comments below, on Facebook, text, e-mail, doesn't matter. This will be a bonding experience for the both of us. It will also give me the opportunity to see who actually gives two craps about this blog.

And that's how it's done. Catch you on the flipside, readers.

Mix Tape

Here we go with yet another rant.

I got a notification tonight from a friend's blog that I used to follow (notice the past tense I used there). It was a shared post about harnessing your creativity. The share-r (not sire if that's a word, but it is now) said that it inspired, and being a man who loves all things inspirational, I dove right in.
Now as a critic, I will tell you that it was a bit boring and dry for my tastes (as this post probably is to you), and the content was nothing that I hadn't seen before.
So, as a friend, I let the share-r know, in a most tactful manner, that although I was glad she was inspired by the text, it did nothing for me. I knew it would probably start a small debate, and I was ready to back my argument, but I wasn't ready for her retort.
I can't quote it word for word, but it went something along the lines of "no one cares that it didn't inspire you."
I was flabbergasted, befoozled, and hoodwinked. For one, if you're going to post something, anything, on the internet, where anyone and everyone can see it, then you have to be able to expect a critical response. Two, to dismiss my critique in such a way is like a blow to the private parts. If you want to be critical of my opinion, I expect and deserve it to be done in a classy way, with some form of thought behind it, versus sarcasm. If you want to go the sarcastic route, then dismiss me from your friends list, and leave your posts to the cretans, who will blindly agree with everything you say. I have no patience for thee forms of shenanigans.
Anyways, that's my personal story for you. Here's a few more internet trends that are starting to get on my nerves:

Ebonics. It's not "hungry iz hell." Or worse, "hUnGrY iZ hElL." Grow up, talk like an adult before I insult you with words that are apparently above your grade level. Pay attention in English class instead of "rolling dat fat ass dope." This rolls into my next point.

Facebook nicknames. When I want to look at my news feed, I type in facebook.com, not myspace.com. So why is it I see names like Mz Holdyamoneyup Smith? That's not your name, and if it is, you should really get it changed. No one will respect that name. I already don't. If you have a cool nickname, put it in your info, not as your name. I like to know exactly who I'm insulting.

Sports related status'.
I get it. Your team won. Whoop-de-doo. Everyone knows it already. And if they don't, there's thirty other updates saying the exact same thing to make sure we're in the know. Thanks for your public news announcement. And now as the Super Bowl draws near, I'm seeing a smorgasbord of updates about how people are bandwagon fans, and they're not real fans. Get over yourself. I'm not going to stop watching football because my team didn't make it to the playoffs. I'm going to cheer for a team regardless of my team's standing. Just because I don't know the whole Giants' roster, doesn't mean I can't cheer when they dominate Green Bay. It's sports, calm down.

Lovey-dovey status updates.
Announcing your love for someone, or that you're missing your significant other is perfectly fine. On occasion. When every status you have regards the apparent love of your life, that's when we have a problem. Let me cut to the chase here: no one really cares. "I talked to my hubby today, he makes me so happy! I love him so much it hurts!" One, you're only fourteen. Calm down Juliet. Two, and most importantly, I DON'T CARE!

"Arrow to/in the knee" jokes.
If you're a Youtube-aholic like I am, you know exactly what I mean. This meme needs to die. Fast. I don't even know how it got as big as it did. I thought it was stupid from the beginning, like most memes I come across. Hey look I can make a joke! I used to (insert video subject here), but then I took an arrow to the knee. Sounds stupid the first time. But when it's spread like HIV across the Youtube comment board, internet suicide. And then it evolved into something worse. "I used to think arrow to the knee jokes were funny, but then I took an arrow to the knee." And so on and so forth. There should be a Youtube ban on these things, but the admins probably took a coma to the brain.

Well, that's all my brain has to spew right now. I really don't care for this post, so I might not advertise it to the masses. I'm still waiting for my next literary masterpiece. It's coming, and soon, I promise.

A Revelation

Sorry I've been away guys. Been busy doing nothing and cleaning out any semblance of motivation I have. But, today I'm back, and I now have another goal to throw on my long list of resolutions.

Become the best troll I can be.

This is going to be a labor of love. For anyone who follows my Facebook, you might recall me mentioning my winning on Terminal Lance. It was an amazing feeling. I got a complete stranger banned from that page. Now that is some subtle power right there. For some unknown reason, I love being a dick on the internet. Maybe it's the sense of security, or the fact that I can get away with pretty much anything I want.

Either way, it's an amazing feeling to be able to manipulate emotions. I recommend everyone to be a complete dick, if even for just one day. It'll make you feel better about your mediocre lives, believe me. How do I know your life isn't great? You have nothing better to do than read my blog.

Other than that, I'm working on new material to vomit up on here, hopefully the light bulb will turn on soon before everyone loses interest. In the meantime, you can catch me on Facebook, being a dick.